Letter to Men:

1 Jul

To whom it may concern (which includes all males):

I’ve been thinking lately that you could use some gentle guidance as to how to best live with women. Being a woman myself, I thought that I could be the one to expand your knowledge horizons. We do love you, you know- we can’t live without you, but sometimes living with you can be difficult. So here is your recipe for success when living with women.

1. Dishes– We’ll start with a simple one. There’s a contraption beneath your counter called a dishwasher. If you load it, chances are that in a few days, they will magically be clean. I will speak for women (excuse my blanket statement if it doesn’t apply to you) by saying that we’d much rather be in charge of running the load of dishes than running around the house collecting dishes.

2. The Toilet Seat– I know, it’s every woman’s pet peeve. But when you think about a cliche’ having been around for as long as this one has, you have to understand that there is some truth to it. The fact of the matter is, it takes a millisecond to drop the seat back down. We are very appreciative that you lift it up in the first place, because cleaning pee off of everything is disgusting (as you can tell from my other ranting blog posts about the stupid RD’s). So if you could just go that one extra step, you’d save yourself hours of squinty stares and silent treatment.

3. Girlfriends– The platonic roommate situation between men & women is one of the best things in life. In my experience, it has been a relief to be liberated from the drama that comes with living with girls. Then, you factor in your roommate’s relationship, and it becomes a little more complicated. If you’re a man living with a woman with whom you are not in a relationship, and have a girlfriend, there should be some rules.

  • No Loud Sex. This seems obvious, but really, no one wants to hear that. If necessary, get together with your roommate and plan a joint seduction of your significant others so you are both doing it at the same time.
  • Her Stuff Stays Out of the Way. As the girl whose name is on the lease, I’m not trying to open up my mirror cabinet & find someone else’s toothbrush, nail files, face cream, etc. Your monogrammed towel cannot usurp my place on my towel rack unless I’ve given you permission. And you better not leave your laundry in my dryer when I’m trying to clean my clothes.
  • If She’s Drunk, Take Her Home. None of us like being woken up in the middle of the night, but when you wake up to a slamming door and angry stomping around, joined to drunken whines threatening all sorts of malicious behavior, the line has been crossed. Put her in a cab, call her friend, hand deliver her, just make sure she ends up somewhere other than our place.

4. If You Don’t Know Where Something Goes, Leave It Out. We all think it’s chivalrous and sweet of you to put the dishes/laundry/whatever away, but if we can’t find the cute blue spring form pan when we’re trying to make a strawberry swirl cheesecake, we’d much rather you have left it out for us to put away. No big deal, just a tip.

5. The Refrigerator. We know you eat more food than we do, but it’s also important to clean things out once in a while. It’s easy to buy lots of food and store it, thinking you’ll get to it later, but when later is 3 months and “it” is a slice of cheese pizza that’s taken on a new form of life, we’ve got a problem.

Hopefully, this has been helpful or enlightening to some. Or maybe it’s just amusing. Either way, good luck with your future endeavors and living situations.

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